5 Shades of Darkness

Learning of the recent death of Robin Williams has brought back a lot of painful memories for me.  For those of you who may not know - I suffered through Postpartum Depression after the birth of my son and Situational Depression a couple of years later from a very late miscarriage and body image problem.

If you have never suffered from depression it is almost impossible to explain.  Your reality gets so distorted and it feels like there is no hope - no light at the end of the tunnel - you’re just floating in a sea that is 5 shades of darkness in which you can’t escape. You feel sadness, anger, hopelessness, guilt, worry, anxiety, fatigue, failure, loneliness, and sometimes suicidal all at the same time.  It’s the most horrible thing I have ever experienced and it can be deadly.

Even as I write this today, I have tears streaming down my face.  The pain is still so fresh in my mind but I want those of you who are currently suffering ANY form of depression to know that IT WILL GET BETTER! 

I’m not a doctor or a counselor - but I do want to share some things that helped me so maybe they can help you too.

  1. Talk to a professional.  The first 4 sessions I had with my counselor after I lost the baby were nothing but me crying. I couldn’t get a word out each time I met with her, but that 5th time - I did.  And little by little I was able to open up more and express my emotions.  There are also many support groups around the country that can help you. Click here to find a group in  your area.
  2. Be aware of your thoughts.  One of the main reasons I was having such a hard time was because I was so mean to myself. I spoke so horrible to myself that in one counseling session - I had vocalized it over 50 times (and that didn’t even include what I was thinking to myself)! Negative thoughts are incredibly powerful but so are positive thoughts. Changing your thoughts from negative to positive takes A LOT of work, but YOU CAN DO IT!  I started by writing positive thoughts that I found online on sticky notes and then placed them around the house: on mirrors, the refrigerator, my computer. And every time I walked by one -I made myself say it out loud. It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not. If you keep doing this everyday for 30 days - you will see a HUGE difference.
  3. Get the workbook: Love Yourself, Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay.  This workbook (amazon link) was instrumental in my healing. The entire workbook is a series of exercises that will  show you so much about yourself and allow you to make new and better choices. Make sure to get it in paperback and not as an e-book so you can write in it.
  4. Accept that it will take time to heal.  Depression is a mental disorder and not something that can go away easily. It takes time to heal yourself, your mind, your soul - BUT YOU WILL BE HEALED.

I am also here to help in any way that I can. Again, I’m not a doctor - but I do have experience with postpartum, loss, anxiety, and body image depression and sometimes it’s a little bit easier to talk to someone who’s been through it before.

One of the best things I did for myself after learning that I had postpartum depression was reading the book by Brooke Shields called: Down Came The Rain (amazon link). This book helped me in so many ways because Brooke shares of all her thoughts running through her head and it helped me realize that…I’m not alone…I’m not the only one thinking these thoughts…I’m not a bad person.  It really opened my eyes and gave me hope that I could heal and I could look forward to a new day without this disease.

If I can do that for you - please email me anytime at christina@bodyrebooted.com.


If you are suffering from depression or have a love one that is - please print the information below - it could save a life!


  • SUICIDE: 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK
  • DEPRESSION: 1-800-PPD-MOMS (postpartum depression)
  • ANY CRISIS: 1-800-233-HELP






  1. I love you Sweetpea. Soooo thankful to have you in my life.

    Comment by Ronnie Russell — 13 August, 2014 @ 3:50 pm

  2. I love you too baby! You were my rock everytime I got that damn disease. Words can not express just how much you mean to me and how much you were a big part of helping me heal. xoxo

    Comment by Christina Russell — 13 August, 2014 @ 3:59 pm

  3. Lovely post. I suffer from depression as well, and wrote a post on it about a year ago. I’m thinking of addressing the issue again, because it’s such an important message. Good for you for being brave and sharing your story!
    Robin recently posted…Boy With Autism Pursues Division 1 DreamMy Profile

    Comment by Robin — 13 August, 2014 @ 10:47 pm

  4. Thank you so much for your kind words Robin! I’d love to read your post - can you send it to me? Thanks xo

    Comment by Christina Russell — 13 August, 2014 @ 11:21 pm

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